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Unpublished Limericks


As I whizzed ’round my 35th lap,
I got quite bollocksed up on life’s map,
And the wood was damn’d dark —
Fuck that for a lark —
Well, there I was deep in the crap!

Hotel Chelsea

It’s sad about old Dylan Thomas,
Yes, alcohol’s taken him from us,
We all thought that screwing
Would be his undoing,
But he didn’t live up to his promise.


When Philip gets pissed off with death
He turns all prophetic and saith,
“Fuck death and fuck dying
The cosmos ain’t trying
— And Christ all this gin on my breath!”

Lady Godiva

Tom, much maligned as “that pisser”, peered
Till Lady Godiva had disappeared;
What he gazed at, of course,
Was her well-turned out horse:
Laurel-maned, ivy-tailed, hyssop-eared.
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