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It gets to the point doesn't it — where you're trying to "do the right thing", whatever that may be. Lead a decent, middle-class life — and yet somehow whatever you do, it's morally wrong. You know? It's exhausting! 

Pippa — you've been reading my thoughts! It's why I've got something important to say to you.

Oh yes?

So I was standing in the supermarket a couple of weeks ago trying to think what to buy for dinner. The shelves buckling with stuff of course. But I was stumped! What could I buy? Nothing. Can't buy fish because all the fish are dying. Can't buy meat because it's — well I forget why. Why mustn't we eat meat? 

Well, they pack the animals in, don't they? Don't give them a decent life . . . And they mix them up with horsemeat and God knows what else.

Right. Anyway. So — there I was in the supermarket, reflecting on the moral corruption of my life — I had a sort of road to Damascus moment . . . 

A what moment?

Because even the milk . . . apparently supermarkets pay farmers so little for their milk, farmers are all topping themselves. So you've got dead farmers, miserable animals, no fish, no bees . . . And everything else on the shelf had come in on an aeroplane. So. No pineapples. What's left? Basically I was down to potatoes, Pippa. So I started crying. Which is why I've got a big announcement to make. 

Never mind pineapples, Santa, if it's come in on an aeroplane you can actually forget about employing it now too! That's another middle-class taboo! As of last week. No matter a foreigner might actually be better at the job —

Oh yes.

Question for you, Santa. Have you ever employed a quote unquote British nanny? Be honest.

You mean like a . . . with British papers?

I mean like a normal quote unquote British girl. Without a foreign accent. Who doesn't like spicy food. That sort of thing. Someone who went to school in England. Have you?

 . . .Well . . .

Or as a cleaner? Have you ever employed a quote unquote British cleaner?

No, Pippa. I don't think you actually get quote unquote British cleaners in this country.

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